WSR

Men, Women, and Pornography

Pornography is an issue that plagues many relationships. When women learn that a husband, boyfriend, or fiancee is looking at pornography, they often report feeling devalued and disrespected. Feelings of betrayal also accompany this discovery as well as the belief that one is not attractive, desirable, or sexy enough. Some women report that they feel especially angry that their partner sneaks away to view porn websites in isolation and cannot understand why men engage in viewing pornography both in secret and in isolation. How can we help men and women to understand one another so as to better avoid the bitterness and anger that easily comes between them on this issue?

"Every woman can have a hand in pornography's downfall by doing the simplest of things: educating herself, her family, and others about its dangers." -Donna Rice, anti-pornography activist

Warning Signs of a Loved One's Pornography Addiction

• Change in sleeping patterns
• Increased demand for privacy or isolation
• Problems with school, work, or personal relationships
• Spending excessive amounts of time on the internet
• Sacrificing other activities such as sleep, work, or time with the family in order to be online
• Evidence of lying or excessive spending
• Personality changes, irritability, or irregular mood swings
• Loss of interest in sex with spouse
• Declining investment in personal and family life
• Evidence of pornographic websites visited on the computer
• Ignoring responsibilities
• Secrecy or feelings of guilt

Note: In many cased there are not observable signs of sexual addictions. If you have reason to suspect your loved on is using pornography, discuss your concerns with him.

What Can You Do?

First, you must decide if you are ready and wiling to confront your partner about his problem.

• Clearly and honestly state your feelings while listening for and being considerate of your loved one's feelings.
• Keep your voice relaxed and calm, yet firm.
• Keep conversation focused on concerns about pornography, and avoid bringing up other issues in the relationship.
• If emotions get out of control for either of you, schedule another time to talk.
  

Once it's out in the open:

• Maintain open communication
• Establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Do not indulge in any sexual requests that you find inappropriate. It will only fuel the addiction.
• Get professional assistance in forming a strategy for overcoming the addiction.
• Be open and honest about your own feelings and emotional reactions to the behavior.
• Provide support and express love.
• Be willing to listen, but set reasonable boundaries for support and for toleration of the behavior.
• Encourage your partner to break to secrecy by talking to a therapist, religious leader, support group, trusted friend, or family member.
• Become educated about pornography addiction
• Realize that your partner must ultimately be the one to make the decision to change.
• Understand that relapses are common and that they can be signs of progress when there is increased time between relapses, a decrease in the amount of time it takes to "get back on the wagon" after relapse, and openness and honestly in disclosing the relapse.
  

Here are some important things to avoid during this difficult time:

• Don't enable your partner's addiction by refusing to confront him or by concealing the behavior. To ignore the issue is to condone the behavior, whether intentionally or not.
• Don't blame yourself (appearance, sexual ability, or appeal, etc.) for your partner's behavior.
• Don't accommodate the behavior by excusing it, such as "He's under a lot of stress right now," or "It's just a phase; he'll snap out of it."
• Don't ask your partner on a daily basis if he has viewed pornography. Policing the behavior will not work.
• Don't view the material your partner has been using. It will be damaging to you.
• Don't delay seeking assistance from a professional. Pornography addiction does not become less serious over time.
• Don't condemn or embarrass your partner.
• Don't try to control your partner's behavior.
  

Where Can I Go for Help?

• Ecclesiastical Intervention: Talk to your bishop or religious leader about your concerns and get assistance for both you and you partner
• Professional Intervention: Pornography addiction is most effectively treated by licensed therapists and counselors. Encourage your partner to obtain these services, and if you feel you need it, seek counseling yourself.
• Support from family and friends: Loved ones can provide support for both partners to aid in the process of overcoming an addiction.
• Peer groups: Groups such as Sexual Addicts Anonymous and LDS Family Services' 12-step groups can assist users and loved ones by providing an atmosphere of tolerance and by offering guidance and support.
  

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