WSR

"There is no difference between being raped and being pushed down a flight of cement steps, except that the wounds also bleed inside.

There is no difference between being raped and being run over by a truck, except that afterwards, men ask you if you enjoyed it.

There is no difference between being raped and being bitten on the ankle by a rattlesnake, except that people ask you if your skirt was short or why you were out alone anyhow.

There is no difference between being raped and going head first through a windshield, except that afterwards you are afraid. Not of cars, but of half the human race."

-Marge Piercy

What Is Rape?

Rape occurs when one person uses sex as a weapon to gain power and control over another. Rape is having sexual intercourse with someone without their consent. Nothing but an unpressured "yes" from a fully functioning adult gives consent.

What Do I Do if I've Been Raped?

• Get to a safe area as soon as possible!
• Do NOT change your clothes (especially if you think you might file charges). Don't comb your hair, shower, use the bathroom (if possible) or change anything about yourself, until after you've had an examination by a doctor. Valuable evidence can be destroyed even by something as simple as drinking water or going to the bathroom. Try very hard not to do these things.
• Call for help. If you cannot call the police or a rape crisis center yourself, have someone call for you as soon as possible.
• Getting medical help is a necessity. Even if you do not prosecute you need to be seen by a doctor who can check for injuries. Sometimes injuries are not always apparent immediately so it's best to err on the safe side. Antibiotic therapy is often started immediately to lessen the likelihood of disease.
• Most of the time police will want to keep your clothing to look at for evidence. It's a good idea to have someone bring you a complete set of clothing.
• If you do report the crime, the police will have some very difficult questions for you. The questions may not make a lot of sense to you at the time but there is a reason behind each of them.
• If you feel uncomfortable answering personal questions to a man, you may be able to ask for a female officer or for a member of your local rape crisis center.
• Rape is a crime. It isn't something that you need to blame yourself for. It happens because someone wanted to take advantage of someone else. It has very little to do with sex and is more a crime of power and control where sex is a weapon used against you.
• One thing that is nearly impossible at first is to realize that what happened to you is not something that was your fault. It doesn't matter what you did, where you were, or what you said; being raped is not your fault.
• You are only responsible for your actions, not for the actions of another person. The choices you made must have been the right ones if you are able to read this. Not every woman who is raped lived through it. You did. That's what's most important.
• You may ask yourself repeatedly, "Why did this happen to me?" There aren't any easy answers. It comes down to a choice one person made to control another person.
• You may feel completely betrayed because the person who did this was someone you knew and trusted. Most rapes are done by people the victim knows and trusts. That's part of what makes this crime even more awful.
• Even if you consented to sex before but didn't this time, it's still rape.
• No matter how much you trusted this person, the actions taken against you are inexcusable. It was not your fault. Any shame that you feel is shame that belongs to the attacker and not to you. That's easier said than done, but it is true.
• Contact rape crisis counselors and other professional therapists for help.
  

Remember: There is no shame in doing what you had to do to survive rape.

How Can I Help a Friend Who's Been Raped?

Know what to do and what to avoid

Rape is always a crime - do not blame the survivor. The rapist is the criminal. It is the rapist's fault. Survivors do not cause their attacker's behavior.

Accept her experience the way it happened

Don't second-guess the survivor's behavior. Avoid statements like "you should have" or " you shouldn't have" (e.g. "you should have had a lock on the window," "you should have fought harder," "if you hadn't gone over to his apartment this wouldn't have happened.") These kinds of statements only increase pain after the fact. Don't focus on the survivor's behavior; doing so suggests that the survivor was somehow responsible. It is the rapist's behavior that should be condemned. Nothing that the survivor did or didn't do caused the rape. You may feel that she used poor judgment in a given situation, but responsibility for the rape lies with the perpetrator.

Leave comparisons alone

It does not help to compare the survivor's experience with others who have been raped. Someday she may want to learn more about the reactions of other rape survivors, but any such discussion should be at her request. Do not compare what did happen with what could have happened. She already knows how much worse it could have been. Remember, most likely during the attack her overwhelming emotion was the fear of being killed. It is up to the survivor to decide whether or not she was "lucky" to have survived and not to have been injured more seriously.

Face the issue

Well-meaning people often tell the survivor of a crisis, "Don't worry/don't cry/don't think about it." This is asking the impossible, and it is not helpful for someone who has been raped. Telling her to deny or downplay her experience may suggest how uncomfortable you are rather than how concerned you are. Neither the crime nor its aftermath will go away by ignoring them.

Be ready to listen

It is helpful to let the survivor know she can discuss her experience with you if she wants to. Some individuals need to process their experience by repeating details or talking about feelings. Others may want to talk, but not about the details of the rape. Try to listen non-judgmentally and don't ask specific questions. Your interest in knowing details of the sexual assault should not overpower your desire to be supportive and gentle with the survivor. Offer her the opportunity to talk, but never insist that talking will "cure" her. Remember, she was coerced during the assault; she won't be helped by further coercion, however well meant.

How Can I Avoid Rape?

• Set sexual limits mentally and with a date or boyfriend
• Do not give mixed messages; be clear, both verbally and physically
• Be forceful and firm. Do not worry about being "polite." Often men interpret passivity as permission; if a woman ignores sexual activity that she does not like, a man is likely to interpret that as tacit approval for him to continue. Men are not mind readers.
• Be independent and aware on dates. Take part in decisions about where to go and suggest activities you feel comfortable with.
• Do not do anything you do not want to just to avoid an unpleasant scene.
• Trust your gut-level feelings
• Go on group or double dates if you are unsure of a new acquaintance
• Be aware of danger signals:
• Men who do not listen to you or ask your input on decisions
• Men who ignore your personal space boundaries
• Men who are controlling
• Men who are overly possessive and jealous
• Men who express anger towards women in general
• Men who try to make you feel guilty for not complying with their wishes
• Be aware of your environment. Be aware of those situations in which you do not feel comfortable and safe.
• Know how to use non-conventional weapons; a pen, a key, fingernails, your knee, etc. It's a good idea to attend a self-defense class.
  
• Attend a rape prevention seminar. If there is not one available, request that one be made available.