*Boundaries

What makes a Healthy Relationship?

We all have different types of relationships with the many people in our lives.  Whether they are with friends, family, significant others, partners, acquaintances or anyone else, it is important to know how to have and keep those relationships HEALTHY. Healthy relationships increase our self-esteem, improve mental and emotional health, and help us have fuller lives.  We should each strive individually to find out the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  There are reliable tools available that can be used to create and maintain healthy relationships, many of which have not been taught in our culture.

You Have the Right:

  • To receive emotional support.
  • To live free from angry outbursts and rage.
  • To be heard and responded to with respect and acceptance.
  • To have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
  • To be called by no name that devalues you.
  • To have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real.
  • To receive a sincere apology for any comments you may find offensive.
  • To live free from criticism and judgment.
  • To receive clear and honest communication.
  • To be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
  • To live free from accusation and blame.
  • To have your beliefs and your interests spoken of with respect.
  • To receive encouragement.
  • To live free from emotional and physical threats.

 

The Bottom Line:

If you feel unhappy in your relationship and if you think that you might be experiencing abuse, get help. Talk to someone.You deserve better.

 

Take Responsibility for Yourself

Learning to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs is one of the most important choices you can make to improve your relationship. Instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you need to learn how to make yourself feel happy through your own thoughts and actions. When you learn how to take full responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. You can do this by learning to treat yourself with kindness, care, compassion, acceptance and loving care is vital to a good relationship.

Fears
Most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment - of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment - of losing oneself. When these fears are activated, most people immediately protect themselves with controlling behavior: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, etc. By learning about fears instead of attempting to control the partner, fears will eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually - by learning instead of controlling.

No Interference
Do not allow other people to interfere with your relationship. If family members try to get in the middle of fights or debates, that is definite trouble. You might have friends with well-meant intentions trying to help you and your partner solve problems. While getting another person’s perspective is not a bad thing, make sure it is when you ask for it. It is very important to keep integrity in your relationship and not allow people to interfere. If you believe that something is bothering your partner or not right in your relationship, keep it between the two of you and work things out as a couple. Seek professional help appropriately when needed.

To Tell or Not to Tell
While some things probably should be shared, think back to how much people grow through the teen years to mid-twenties. Offering unnecessary information from the past is a great way to create distrust, insecurity, and more questions than answers. Be wise when sharing.

Lighten Up
Do not take every comment, glance, or movement as a serious problem. If your partner makes a mistake, which you both will, let it go, or if appropriate, laugh about it. If you make a mistake, do not be afraid to poke fun at yourself. This will automatically start the process of breaking tension.
 

 

Ending a relationship

It may be time to move on from a relationship when:

  • Unhappiness with the relationship persists for a significant amount of time.
  • There is unresolved conflict.
  • You are staying in the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.
  • It seems as though trust cannot be rebuilt.
  • You are considering pursuing a relationship with someone else

Ending a relationship is a hard thing to do. There could be feelings of guilt, fear of emotionally hurting your partner, fear that your partner may take it the wrong way, or it could be that feeling of wondering if you did everything possible to save the relationship.

Although ending a relationship is easy for some, for others it can be a difficult thing. If you feel it is the best option for you, then you need to follow through no matter how difficult the process may be. In some instances you may find that your partner feels the same way, and in others your partner doesn't realize what's going on. Holding on to a relationship that is over will only make the relationship worse and become more of a strain on you and your partner's life. If ending a relationship were the best thing for you, then it would be the best thing for your partner.

Some Tips:

  • Be honest with yourself and your partner.
  • Be respectful. End it clearly and compassionately
  • Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what's going on. Explain your feelings and the situation fully.
  • Explain what you want from this point on - the relationship to end, friendship, no contact, etc.